Mechanically Motivated/1

Wondrous it was, the experience I had recently! I got told off by my mechanic. He’s a robust, burly, swarthy guy―and hairy, very hairy.
I notice such things.
You see, whereas heterosexuals only size up those of the opposite gender, and homosexuals those of the same gender, in an instinctual way upon meeting, we of the bisexual persuasion tend to size up both―to put it delicately, for now.
Anyway, dude thinks he’s quite a psychologist, I guess. He had the temerity to suggest that I was a cynic. He really laid it on, ending with “and you’ll never be pleased with anything because you’re not pleased with yourself!”
One might wonder how one provokes one’s mechanic to such profound utterances.
Believe me, it takes time.
Dude was pissed. I’d just stopped payment on a two hundred and thirty dollar check I’d written him the day before…due to a story that’s not very funny, now that I think about it―so I’m not going to tell it.
Not yet anyway.
Maybe it will strike me as funny later, most things do, and then I’ll tell it.
One of my goals here is to make every frigging word I concoct funny, or at least amusing enough to keep you reading. I have so much to say to you, and lord knows we’re living in the age of the sound bite attention span.
After discarding at least two suitcases full of used-up legal pads over the past fifteen years in preparation for this project, I can state with certainty that if you want to hold the attention of more than a few, then it had better be funny and/or horny.
I’ll do my best to throw in a little of both.
You see, I’m quite certain that if you’ll lend me your mind from here to the end it’ll change your life for the better―I’m talking CEOs, MBAs, PhDs, and idiots alike, and then you’ll recommend this book.
Go ahead; get it off your chest―“This guy’s got some nerve!”
Downright ballsy, some say.
But here’s the thing; this book is already a best seller in some time and space. I’ve been there, I swear. I’ve seen it! So my job from here forward, it seems to me, is to simply fill in the blanks, if you will; to expand it to the point of that time and space, vocabularily speaking.
You’re reading a blockbuster sisters and brothers, assuming I complete the puzzle.
And that I intend to do.